


scars like flowers PHAN

by Rendazzled



Category: Amazingphil - Fandom, Dan Howell - Fandom, Danisnotonfire - Fandom, Phan, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), dan and phil
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Anorexia, Depression, Emo, Gay, M/M, Pastel Dan Howell, Pastel Dan and Punk Phil, Phan - Freeform, Phanfiction, Self-Harm, Smut, Snut, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Soulmates, emo!phil, phansmut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-15
Updated: 2017-12-21
Packaged: 2019-01-17 16:43:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 4,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12369846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rendazzled/pseuds/Rendazzled
Summary: -au where you see every wound on your skin that your soulmate has as well- -pastel Dan and Emo Phil teen au-Dan was a very timid guy. He didn't have many close friends, but he did have some. His closest friend was Pj, yet they didn't talk much. Dan had a great family, his mother cared deeply for him and his brother was in a happy relationship with some girl. His mother got him his first bottle of antidepressants, and his second, and his seventh.Phil didn't have friends. He's a skinny guy with black hair and little to no motivation to do anything. Obviously he's worried when his crush only wears long sleeves to school starting from the day that mysterious cuts appear on his arms, cuts like he used to make on his thighs...





	1. -1-

**Author's Note:**

> will have some triggering content
> 
> I wrote parts of this almost a year ago, but still liked the idea enough to continue. have fun.
> 
> i'd like to let you know that the whole hushyshushy about your meds thing is out of personal experience. I myself am on antidepressants and especially my family didn't want me to tell anyone and I even lost some friends over it. I'm writing this to show people it really isn't needed to be hushush about it, since it isn't bad or anything like thta. i just uh,,,,,, haven't finished that part yet due to personal reasons. I've been getting comments telling me I shouldn't hate on mental illnesses, and I hope not to receive those in the future now that I've explained this.

1

He's slowly sipping his latte macchiato with chocolate and cinnamon. His flowercrown is a bit crooked, but it makes him look so cute, and I bet he knows it. I can hear him laugh, even from the back of the shop, and his best friend, Pj, is the cause. I can't hear what they're talking about, but he looks so happy. I can't believe he takes antidepressants. Oh, shit, who am I talking about? Daniel James Les- Howell, of course. Ever since our little accident, he's been on my mind. What happened? Well...

_ I bump into him. I swear, it's an accident. I fall, he must be strong if he is able to push me over that easily. He drops a little orange bottle, and I grab it before I look up and meet his stunning brown eyes. "I'm so sorry, I didn't see you Dan," I panic. "It's okay, Phil, right? Are you okay?" He asks as he helps me up. "Yeah, these are yours I believe," I mutter. I look at the little bottle with pills before he shoves me into an empty classroom. "Please, don't tell anybody," he pleads. "You take antidepressants?" Is all I'm able to ask. He nods slowly while avoiding my eyes, did I hurt him? "It's okay, well, it isn't, but I won't tell anybody," he sighs and finally looks at me. "Thanks, Phillip," he doesn't smile like he usually does, and neither do I. "If you ever need someone to talk to, you have my number," _

I've been waiting for him to message me ever since. He hasn't yet, but he thanked me back there, and it has only been two days. I take a sip of my black American press coffee and notice Dan and Pj heading out. His pastel pink sweater and blue shorts complement his -fake- happiness, and his dark brown curls make me want to push him against the wall and do... things... I decide to head out too, before I fantasize myself a boner over the flower angel. I walk towards the bus stop, not caring about anyone or anything, and sit down on the metal bench. "Hey,"


	2. 2

"Hey," I look up. "Oh, uhm, yeah, hi... Dan." I stutter. Jesus Phil get it together! "I, uh, wanted to thank you, again." He whispers. "For what? Not telling anyone you're depressed?" I look up and our eyes meet. "No, well yes that too, but for telling me that you'd be there if needed. That's really kind of you, even though we didn't even talk before that," he rambles. "It's no problem, really. I meant it back then and I still do. If you need me, I'm there." I smile as I see the bus nearing us. "This is my bus, which bus do you take?" I ask, wow smooth Lester, act as if you don't stalk him even though you literally have no idea. "I should be able to take this one," he says as he stands up. His face tells me he would rather not, so why does he?

I look up in shock and nod as I grab my bag. "Also, don't act as if you don't know, I know you low-key stalk me," he winks before he gets in. "Hey, I do not! My friend Chris works at that cafe and I've been getting my hot chocolate there for years now," I defend myself. "Aha, sure." He smiles as he sits down next to the window. "I'm not lying," I sigh. He chuckles and he leans against the window. I'm seriously jealous, it's a fucking window and I'm jealous because I want to be that window. "Well well well, look who we have here," I look up in confusion and see Dan going pale in the corner of my eye.

"Sweetheart, could you move? I need to talk to Danny here," I look over at Dan, who seems absolutely terrified, and back at whoever the fuck this may be. "No, I'm sorry but get your own fucking seats and talk to someone else, sweetheart." I fire back at him. "What did you just say?" He seems to be getting angry and I feel a hand on my leg. "You heard me," I say after I glance down. It's Dan's. "Do you want me to beat you up?" He scoffs. "It's a bus, you dimwit. You'll get thrown out, now get a fucking seat and buckle up bitch, before you fall and sprain your pretty little whatever." I look him straight in the eyes and he sighs. "Whatever, I'll get you later, Dan." He sits down all the way in the back with his squad and I look over at Dan. "Are you okay? Who the fuck does he think he is?" I ask. "Yes, I'm fine, thanks to you I guess. I didn't think you would be so, I don't know? You're normally shy and quiet?" He looks puzzled and I nod. "Yeah, but I hate jocks like that, and I don't know them," I shrug. He removes his hand and I seriously want to cry like, please no out it back it felt so comforting also that sounds bad nevermind. "Where do you have to get out?" He randomly asks. "I think the stop after this one, you?" I say while looking around the bus. "This one. Do you live close to the bus stop?" I shrug. "Depends, you go right left right and then there's a really small house, I forgot my keys so I will probably have to go in through my window but it's a five minute walk I guess." I explain. Dan nods as he gets up. "See ya next Monday, I guess?" He smiles and heads out. The jock stands up and walks over to me. "Watch out with him, he's literal poison."


	3. 3

_ Tic. Tic. _

I look up, confused. It must be a bird picking at my window or something. I look at the clock and sigh. It's 1AM and all I can do is write in this stupid journal. The stinging on my wrist is unbearable, but also so calming.

_ Tic. Tic. Tic. _

I swear to God, this bird better stop before I'll snap it's neck. No, nevermind, I could never do that.

_ Tic. Tic. _

I stand up, throwing my journal to the side. I open the window and something, I think a little pebble, hits me full in the middle of my forehead. "What the fuck?" I exclaim as I look around. Within a few seconds, a head pops up.

I stumble back and fall down onto my butt. "Again, what the fuck?" I say as a very familiar guy makes his way into my room. "What the hell Dan, why didn't you just knock?" I ask as his feet hit the floor and I stand up. He turns around and he looks at me with his bloodshot eyes. "Jesus, have you been crying?" I rush towards him and grab his shoulders. He hugs me and starts crying into my shoulder. "Hey, it's okay, what's wrong?" I ask as I hug him back, moving my hand in circles over his back. He sobs, hard, and I move back and wipe his tears away. "Dan, what's wrong," I walk him over to my bed and he sits down shakely.

"I, I just, I had no idea what to do okay," he breathes out. "About what?" He lets himself fall back onto my bed, hitting his head on my journal. "My parents are fighting," he sighs. I awkwardly lay down besides him and sigh as well. "It'll be okay Dan, I promise." He looks at me and moves his arm to his head. "Fuck," I mutter as I realize something. I grab his wrist and he winces in pain. "Jesus Dan why?" I ask as I pull his sleeve down. "They're not even closed yet fuck, you could get an infection!" I almost yell. I grab his hand and pull him out of my bed. He laces our fingers together and I stop for a second with my harsh moves. I slowly open the door to the bathroom and look back at him as I pull him in. "No, Dan don't cry, it's okay. Well it isn't but I'm not mad at you or anything," I say as I close the door. He's still sobbing, again, and without thinking, I pull him into another hug. On a sidenote, I can't believe I am hugging and calming my fucking crush down at the moment. I doubt my plan for a second, but decide to go with it anyway. I carefully pick Dan up (he yelps and fuck it was adorable) and place him on the sink. "Okay, wait here, I'll be right back," I nod to reassure him and move out of the bathroom to get some disinfecting liquid shit and bandages out of my drawer. I keep them close, considering the scars my soulmate leaves me. I walk into my desk on the way back and curse under my breath. That will leave a bruise for sure.

"When did you get that?" I ask as I see Dan with my journal. "Oh, I am so sorry, I thought it was a book. It has some really good things in it though," he smiles gently at me and I sigh. "It's private, okay? Please put it down," I walk over to him and he gently puts it away. "I need you to be honest with me, where did you cut?" His eyes widen and he freezes for a few seconds. He slowly shrugs his jacket off and I can see his clearly visible wrists. I mutter something along the lines of "Jesus Christ" and "why" under my breath as I start working. "This will sting," I warn him as I start disinfecting his wounds. "Why are you bandaged? Do you cut?" Dan randomly asks. I look up and back at my arms. "I used to, now my soulmate does. I don't mind it though, one day when I find him I will tell him he's beautiful and shouldn't do that to himself, and I might bandage him up like I'm doing with you right now." I sigh. "Him? Phil, are you gay?" I look back up at him again, my cheeks flush red and I nod. I finish his right arm and move to the left. I quickly finish that one too and he quickly grabs my journal. I roll my eyes and carefully grab his hand again.

"Could you read this one to me?" He asks as he opens it on a marked page. "Why?" I look him and take my journal back. "It's good, but I don't know how to interpreted some things," he looks down shyly and I sigh. "Again, it's private, I rather not," I say as I try to hide my burned up cheeks. I am like really sure he'll know it's about him. "Oh, okay," he looks sad, fuck I hate seeing him sad but I won't. "Do you ever wonder who your soulmate is?" I randomly ask.

"All the time," he sighs as he grabs a pen. I hear footsteps outside and realize it's what, 2am? "Fuck, behind the bed, now," I shoo him off and get under the covers.  "Are you okay? Did your soulmate selfharm again?" My mother asks as she opens the door. I nod and she walks over to me. "At least you know how to take care of them, and you'll take care of him as well." I nod again and sigh. "Remember when I felt so miserable that I used to do that?" I randomly ask. She nods and hugs me tightly. "You can't fix him, Phil, but you can help him. Get some rest, if you really can't go to school tomorrow I'll call in sick okay?" She places a kiss on my forehead and I nod once again. "Thanks mum, love you," I smile. She leaves after telling me she loves me too and she closed the door. Dan gets up and crawls under the covers beside me.

"Your mum seems so nice, you're so lucky," he smiles sadly.  I just sigh. "Yeah, I am. She's right though, I won't fix him, he won't fix me." I roll with my eyes and feel Dan's hand on my leg. "Whoever it is, he's one hell of a lucky dude."


	4. 4

“How do you manage to look so happy all the time,” I mutter while pulling my legs up. “I don’t, how do you manage to hide your scars during PE?” He asks and I sigh. “I don’t. Everyone knows I’m emo, I act like it’s my own fault that I have them. The old ones on my legs are also clearly visible,” I shrug and his eyes widen. I poke his leg gently and he winces. “My soulmate is really clumsy, he left me bruise there like half an hour ago,” he chuckles and some gears start turning in my head. I stand up and walk to my desk. It’s the exact same spot.

“Dan, this is really weird, but show me your collar bone.” I basically order it and he gently pulls his shirt away. There’s a scar right there. I gasp and sit down on my knees and pull my own shirt away as well. I had surgery there once and the mark is exactly the same. His eyes widen and he looks up at me. “Are we?” He doesn’t finish his sentence because I’m already hugging him. “Oh my god,” I mutter as I quickly let go and look away from him. I feel myself burning up and he sits up on his knees as well. “Fuck,” he just says and I look back at him. Ah, right. I’m a guy.

“I promised my dad to never date a guy ever again,” he mutters and my eyes widen. “Again?” I ask and he nods slightly. “That guy at the bus used to be my boyfriend,” he says before biting his lip and I gently cup his cheek. He looks up at me in shock and I smile gently at him. “I’ll be way better for you,” I just say and he looks away this time. “That’s not it, I just, I don’t want my parents to break up over this.” He looks around carefully before looking back at me. “Then we don't tell them, we don't even have to be together,” I say with pain in my heart and he shakes his head slowly. “If you want to be together, so do I. Just, being together at my house is a no go,” he says and my face lights up before I sit down normally again. He moves and leans against me hesitantly and I move slightly to make it more comfortable. “I do, you know,” I say and he makes a small sound. “I want to be with you, you know I like you,” I say and he grabs my hand. “Together it is,” he smiles softly as he interlaces our fingers together. It sends sparks through my hand and up my arm. I know he feels it too, and I know that once we've kissed, it'll be worse. I'm looking forward to it.

“When do you want to kiss?” Dan asks and I gulp loudly. “I don't know, I mean I've wanted to for years but I think we should take this slow,” I say truthfully and he nods. “Agreed, can I stay over?” He asks and I nod this time. “We'll have to explain it to my mum sooner or later,” I say and he sighs softly. “Okay, are you going to call in sick?” He asks and I look at the clock before nodding slowly. “That explains why you're not at school almost every time I've cut in the past year,” he says and I squeeze his hand. “You noticed?” I ask and he chuckles nervously. “In case you didn't notice, I kinda kept my eye on you. Call it a crush, whatever, but it was hard not to notice.” He moves slightly and I smile to myself. So this is how it feels to find out that your crush likes you too. “And I really want to kiss you right now.”


	5. 5

“I would let you,” I mutter before moving so I'm facing him. His soft curls are almost black with this little light and I sigh loudly. “What are you going to do tomorrow?” I ask and he bites his lip. “I guess I'll just go to school. I left my parents a note that I went to friend last night so afterwards I'll just go home,” he mutters and I shake my head. “I can go to school as well, but we can't call in sick for you,” I say and he seems to think for a few seconds. “I can call my mum and ask if she will do that. I don't really want to be at school tomorrow,” he says and I nod quickly. “I just realized that I don't even have your number,” I mutter and he grabs the pen from my nightstand before writing it down on my hand. “Add it tomorrow, we should try and sleep now,” he says and I raise my eyebrow at him. “Do you want to borrow something to sleep in?” I ask and he nods before smiling sheepishly at me. I get up and grab an oversized shirt out of the drawer, which I not-so-gently throw at his face. I turn around and close my eyes. Calm down Phil, you two are together now. It's a thing, it is real. You're his soulmate. 

 

“That thing I wrote was about you, you know,” I mutter and I can hear the rustling of my covers. I turn around right before he wraps his arms around my neck. I'm startled, but I wrap my arms around him as well and I press him closer against me. I inhale his scent while I nuzzle my face into his neck and I can feel his head leaning against mine. “You smell good,” he suddenly whispers and I snort loudly. “I'm sorry, that was weird,” he mutters and I move my head so I can look at him before shaking it. “It's okay, I was thinking the same actually,” I chuckle softly and he grins widely at me. He pulls me towards the bed and I get under the covers after him. Without thinking, I wrap an arm around him and he moves closer to me. “Goodnight,” I whisper and he hums in response. This is what I've always wanted, my soulmate, wrapped in my arms while we fall asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter will be longer lol sorry


	6. 6

I open my eyes only to be met by the most beautiful boy sleeping in my arms. He turned around to face me, but he's definitely asleep. I feel a hand on my shoulder and I turn slightly, only to see my mother's face. Her expression is both knowing and surprised and I carefully slip out of bed before placing the covers back over Dan. We both walk towards the door and as soon as I close it, she wraps her arms around me. She leads me to the living room before sitting me down to talk, which I do. “He's a friend from school. He knocked on my window last night and I saw he cut. He ran away because his parents were fighting and we found out we're,” I stop mid sentence just to look at her and her dazzling yet kind smile. “It's okay sweetheart, be good for him. Do his parents know where he is?” She asks and I now quickly before noticing the phone number on my hand. “Get back to him and call his parents. You just, come down when you want breakfast, okay?” I nod and quickly grab my phone before hugging her tightly. “You're the best,” I mutter and she nods. “I know.”

I quietly grab his phone from my nightstand and open it. Who doesn't have a password on their phone? As I suspected, everything is pastel themed and I quickly go to contacts before landing on the one that says mum. I dial the number on my own phone and walk out of my room again before a woman's voice is clearly heard. “Hello?” She asks and I feel my throat tighten. “Hello, this is uh, this is Phil. I just wanted to let you know that Dan is at my house, and he got here safe. He's asleep right now and he doesn't feel top notch, could you call in sick for him?” I ramble and there's silence on the other end of the line. “Yes, thank you so much. I was so worried, his dad left for work so he can come home safely now, but he can also stay with you if that's what he wants. Thank you so much for taking care of him,” she says and I feel a smile creep up on my face. “It’s no problem, really. Is there a specific time that he needs his medication?” I ask and I hear her make a surprised noise. “No, just after breakfast. I can't believe he told you that,” she says and I sigh. “I actually found out on my own.” I look around the hallway, expecting to find nothing. “Ah. Thanks again, I need to go now, goodbye,” she says and the line dies. I sigh again before walking back into my room and I notice Dan sitting up, rubbing his eyes while yawning loudly. “Who were you talking to?” He mutters and I sit down next to him. “I called your mum, let her know you're okay and asked if she could call in sick. That's all, really,” I reply and he nods slowly. “She said that your dad left for work, you can go home if you want,” I add although I don't want to. His eyes scan my face like he's searching for an answer of a question I did not yet ask. “Do you want me to go?” He asks and I promptly shake my head. “In that case, let's get some breakfast.”


	7. Chapter 7

“So my mum left to do some grocery shopping for tonight, so we have some privacy. Would you like some Cheerios?” I ask while I reach for the almost empty box. I can see dan nodding from the corner of my eye and he snakes his arms around my waist, hugging me while resting his head on my shoulder.

“You’re cute,” he mutters and I feel myself heat up before turning around to face him. I wrap my arms around him loosely while his are still around my waist and I smile softly at him.

“You’re adorable,” I mutter and this time, he starts blushing and I feel myself smile at him. “And you’re mine,” I quickly add and her pulls me closer. For a second, I’m sure we’re going to kiss but instead he just buries his head into my neck and I squeeze him a little tighter.

“Indeed I am,” he whispers against my neck and I feel the shivers run down my spine like none ever have before. I know I’m smiling like a mad man but I couldn’t care less right now, because he just confirmed that he’s mine and I’ve never felt better in my entire life. “I want to kiss you,” he suddenly says while he pulls away and i feel myself acting without really thinking. I grab his shirt -my shirt- and pull his lips against mine. It’s a rushed and sloppy kiss but it is my first kiss and I love it. I love how his lips feel against mine and when I pull away, we’re both grinning like the dorks we are.

“Does this mean I can kiss you whenever I want?” he smirks and I nod shyly before he pulls me in for another kiss. “Good, because I’d love to.”


	8. 8

Sitting there on my couch, huddled up against each other while watching random videos on youtube, showing each other which songs we like and which we hate and just us pressed against each other is like a million dreams coming true. “Do you feel the tingles?” He randomly asks and I nod quickly, not wanting to let him wait for anything.

“Can I ask you something?” I ask, even though I’m asking him if I can ask something. He nods slowly before moving so he can face me and I close my eyes. “Are you happy?” I feel the words coming out of my mouth, knowing I’ve been wanting to ask them for so, so long.

“Right now I am, but I’ll have to leave sometime and I don’t think I’ll be happy then,” he mumbles and I carefully place my arm around him before pulling him in for a hug.

“I want you to be happy, but I know I can’t magically fix you. Just, I’m here, okay?” I pull away and meet his eyes, those amazing eyes, and he nods slowly. I press my hand against his cheek and he leans into my touch ever so slightly but just enough to make me smile.

“Thank you,” he whispers and I nod knowingly before I connect our hands and intertwine our fingers. I squeeze his hand softly and a small smile appears on his face. “I don’t deserve you,” he whispers and I shake my head.

“That doesn’t matter, because you have me and you always will,” I say while looking at his phone number on his hand, and on mine. “Why didn’t you ever write to me?” I ask and I immediately regret it.

“I didn’t think you’d want me if you got to know who I am,” he whispers and I shake my head.

“It’s not like I wrote to you either, so don’t feel guilty about it,” I say while I get closer to him. I lay my head against his and he sighs softly.

“You know what sucks? I’m happy that I found you, I really am, but I still want to die more than anything,” he suddenly says and I feel a pang in my chest. Not because it insults me, not at all, but because I understand.

“That won’t leave just like that, and I would be devastated if you did die, but I can’t just cure your depression. That’s something you should do, with help of course. I’ll be there for you every step of the way,” I say and he nods slowly once again. “You might not believe it, but you’re amazing Dan. And until you believe it,I’ll believe it for you.”


End file.
